The Enormity of my privilege

A few days ago, I was driving somewhere to meet some friends. I was stopped at a stop light, and a family was crossing the street. As I sat there and watched them I realized that this wasn’t merely a sunday walk. For this family, which consisted of mother, father, baby in a stroller, and three other young children. But this was most likely an everyday, if not multiple times a day, requirement. It was very likely that this family didn’t have a car at all, and walking is a regular necessity. Now this didn’t initially have a huge impact on me, I understand that there is a great deal of people who live under the poverty level in Escondido, and in the way things are now, not affording a car didn’t seem that outrages. Of course it breaks my heart that these people are this poor, and they live right next to me. However, this wasn’t really new for me. Then I looked next to me, where my friend was also sitting at the light (we all drove separately from point A to point B because we were going different directions after this). But as I sat there I realized that I live in a family where all three of us drive cars, and my friend next to me also lives in a family where every family member owns a car. I even know families where there are more than one car to every person in the family, and as I sat there and watched this family of 6 (who may struggle for years to finally own 1 car) walk across the street I could see the enormous gap in between them and I. 

Now as much as this may seem like, this isn’t about the poor to me. This is about the privileged, and what we don’t realize that we have. Because if someone would have come up to me and said, “I can’t believe you ungrateful people with your three cars, you don’t even realize how much you have.” I probably would have responded with something like “Oh but we all need our cars to get to our jobs or school… blah blah blah” or something like “Oh whatever, have you seen the van my brother drives, its falling apart” or “well we got this dirt cheap deal on my truck, and its been broken into anyway so its not all that great”  

Wow,

that family of 6 has to walk wherever they go, as if the father in that family couldn’t use a car to get to work in, but he must seem to manage without.  

Maybe I should be, but I’m really not trying to make anyone feel guilty for having things. What I think we need to do is realize that there is this huge gap. I think to many of  us don’t realized how truly privileged we are, and I am the biggest offender. So many of us seem to somehow be missing the canyon that is in between us and the poor that live a few blocks away in a rundown apartment complex, or that have to sleep on the bus bench. So often we think the difference is merely money, but it is SO much more than that. Not only is quality of life different, but convenience of life is something some people don’t even know, and I take it for granted a number of times before I’m even done with breakfast in the morning.

So what does that mean? what do we do? well i think the first thing is we need to open our eyes to this difference, try to stop taking things for granted, and STOP trying to fool ourselves into thinking that we aren’t that privileged. Then maybe we can understand where were are in relationship to the people around us and we can start building community with people regardless of class or status (as a church we need to be seeking out to not only serve the poor but be in community with them), and hopefully being in community with those who are far less privileged than us will not only help us realize how much we don’t need and how much we take for granted, but might also lead us to share what we have.

A dead cat that still needs beating.

So tonight on my drive home I was pleasantly surprised to find what one might call insight (I will call it life lesson) in a very unexpected place. I was listening to a song and was reminded of an argument I once had about that song. Not even an argument really as much as a discussion about how this particular song was to be understood. What did the author mean, to whom was he singing, and under what circumstances was this song being sung? I held one particular view, and my friend held another. Regardless of what the song was or what these two views were, since then I have, through life experience, gained the perspective to personally understand the song from both views. 

All the way home as I was dwelling on this concept, and even now as I am typing this I feel as though I’m beating a long since dead cat. It seems as though everyone has said it, and everyone claims to know, and yet it seems as though we always ignore this unavoidable fact. That is that Perspective can change everything. It’s as if perspective is the very younger brother of our understandings, whose presence we seem to blindly acknowledge and yet never allow to truly contribute anything to the conversation. 

To be honest, when I sat down to write this I underestimated extent of this discussion. And I would be doing this topic a disservice to not dwell on this more and get back to you (you being the one to two people who may read this).

The kind of love I hope to have

I have been realizing something over the past few weeks, and tonight it came screaming out at me through one of my favorite movies, Mr. Deeds. 

Now for anyone who doesn’t know, my Mom is terribly sick with cancer, and very well may be at her last days (however, we know Gods power, and aren’t giving up hope, but are ready for His will) and I have been able to witness something that has blessed my life SO much, and that is my fathers love for my mother in a way I have never seen it before. 

My dad has done so much, and is enduring So much through this process, and he does everything for her, because he loves her more than anything, and I have never been able to see love like this until know. Now obviously this is an amazingly sad and had time for all of us, my father included, but the way that he serves her, and loves her in this time when she is as weak as she could be, is amazing. Not only does he do countless things that are gross, or uncomfortable, or just weird, but he does the cutest things I have ever seen to make her happy. For instance, my dad isn’t much of a singer, and he’ll be the first to tell you, but the other day I heard him singing “My girl” to her, just one of the very little things which might not sound like much to someone, but this is a lot to me, so imagine its a lot. 

So back to the movie, I was watching Mr. Deeds, and like every other Romantic Comedy it has the sappy happy lovey-dovey ending where “true love” wins or something like that. And to be honest with you, for the longest time, I have always wanted that, and I would tell people, that I hoped I had a story book love story romance Blah blah blah.

But tonight, watching that movie I realized, “yeah, sure, that would be great, But that isn’t true, long lasting, I love you with all my heart love. The love my dad has for my mom is that love.” And that is what I hope I have someday. If I don’t have that story book, mushy cute love story, I think I’ll live. But I want to fall in love with someone that I will love so much that I will do anything for them when they are sick and incapable to do it themselves, or when maybe they aren’t loving me back, or when they aren’t making me happy, or doing things my way. I want to fall in love with someone who I will WANT to love in the hard or unbearable times. Thats the kind of love I want to have someday.

To whom do we solute

Its not at all that I hate our country, or any country for that matter (I may strongly disagree with some of the things a or our country does or may do, or how they do somethings, but that is a different story all together), nor do I disagree with the concept of country allegiance, or loyalty. However, I am finding more and more that some of us are getting our allegiance a little crossed. 

For those of us that call ourselves Christian, or really anyone who claims to fallow the teachings of Jesus Christ is called to have no other gods over God LORD, Adonai. Now this is where I find the problem. I feel as though most people who claim such a title or faith would consider their allegiance to be with God first. But is that how we think? is that how we talk? or how we live?

I think one of the most common places that I see this, and where this all first came to my attention, is when people talk politics. Take anything from the safety of our nation, or the topic of immigration, to the issue of healthcare or welfare, you will find a great deal of people (and notice I’m not one to make large generalizations, and I don’t want it to seem as though I think everyone, or even most people, but there are these people out there) that will discuss these issues in a manner, and hold solutions or sides to these issues, that favor our country. Now I’m not saying this is always wrong, not at all, but we find a lot of situations where people are more concerned with what is best for our country, and not what is best for the Kingdom of God and and so many people that God cares so much about (these people usually being the poor, the disenfranchised, the marginalized or those merely forgotten by society). 

The biggest problem about this, is that no one really admits it, because everyone is still busy believing they’re fine on this issue, that there’s no problem, that there isn’t any conflict. But it just seems to me like we are putting to much time effort and thought into issues that have to do with our country, our economic stability, or our national language, or so many other things, and we spend so little time thinking about the people who our not only dying in other countries (because they don’t have enough food, or because they’re different from their neighbor who is more powerful and not afraid to kill them, or because horrible people are taking advantage of women and children for their own gain and the government isn’t doing anything or choosing to look the other way) but in our own country as well. We don’t spend nearly enough time talking about the poor, we leave that for the red cross, soup kitchens, and the bleeding hearts of the world to worry about, we’ve got bigger problems, like the decreasing value of our bloody dollar. 

In this case I think about my church, and how I even see this allegiance confusion happening there, and I think about how often we pray for our troops. Now when I say this you have to understand I am not saying anything like I don’t support our troops, or I think we care to much about them, because that is about as far from the truth as possible, in fact those men and women are very close to my heart, and I am so sad that they all have to be there, and I strongly believe in praying for them. However, think about all the times you’ve heard prayers, or been encouraged to pray for the war, or our president and so on, in church? Then I think about how many times our pastor will ask us:
          ”now pray for the countless people in the world that just don’t have enough food right now, for the child who is watching they’re parents die from aids knowing that when they die no one in their world will love them, pray for the little girl that has been sold into prostitution and is being taught that sex is all she’ll ever be good for. Pray for the child who has been disowned by his parents because he told them he was gay, pray for the families who have to run for their lives from their neighbors because they’re from the wrong tribe.”
This kind of prayer doesn’t come up quite as often in our church.

What am I saying? I’m saying we need to take some serious time to sit down and look at what a lot of our views about the world stem from. Do they mirror what Jesus taught or what God seems to fairly clearly care about? (and not just the parts about “women submit to your husband” we need to take a real look at ALL of what Jesus taught, and ALL of what God seems to care about, and then evaluate ourselves) Or does a lot of it stem from what we’ve been taught to think because we live in America “the greatest country on God’s green earth”? (and really, its not all only our own fault, a lot of it has just been force fed down the generational ladder, and we really don’t see much of an alternative view on things, those are all “radical” or “extreme” or “don’t look at the crazy man sweet,” but we can’t throw all the blame on others, we need to step up and take credit for our patriotism)

So what does it take? admitting, I think is the first step. Then its a process of reevaluating the way we think about, well… everything. This doesn’t mean we have to change the way we think about EVERYTHING, but we need to realize that some of us have been looking at a lot of things through an american lens for a long time, and we need to try and look at it through our lens of fallowing Jesus and the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob lens, because that is where our allegiance should truly lie. 

What happens to a broken heart? Does it ever truly mend itself? or merely adapt to its new state?

What about a broken heart that is never morned over? Could it ever truly heal? If no one ever knows that you cry at night, could you ever stop? If no one ever sees the scares, will you ever be able to live as if you no longer have them?

People say that the things that happen to us, especially the unfortunate things, are what make us who we are? But I’m thinking, maybe thats wrong. Maybe its how we respond to those unfortunate things that make us we are, or are going to be.

This end

At the beginning of the end I stand still and stair into the last days of this age, with very little understanding of what waits for me after these days. I plea with these last moments not to make me go, I long for the security of what is familiar and what I know. They apologize with confidence and assure that the time has indeed come to move on. 

“How can one know where to go next when all you know is that the next chpater of life lies somewhere within this deep and seemingly endless void that they call the future?” I ask them. They do not respond….. and yet somehow I know what they’re answer would be as if it were my own. Look for him, they would say, even though you can’t see, he will find you and take you by the hand when the void seems to be at its darkest, and you seem to have no where else to go. We have seen many come through this way, and no one is ever lost forever, especially those who look for him. 

But why must it be so dark? I asked. Why alone? Isn’t there another way?  a lighter path?…… still they spoke no words. And yet this time there were no words. It was as if in this moments words themselves didn’t exist, and yet it I felt like I had known all along, like a legend that has been passed down for years. This is just the way it had to be. It was always going to be this way, there never was a lighter path, there never was an easier root. Not for me at least. This was just the way it had to be, no one knows why until after you’ve finished the journey, only then will you ever even know what the path has looked like a long. 

However, his did not satisfy my worry. Even though I new all this to be true, the uncertainty still seemed unbearably terrifying. Finally they spoke again. It was like hearing music for the first time, like I had only just now been given ears to hear, and yet I felt the words in my soul. 

Worry not young one. He knows of the fear you have for this darkness, and your worry about the uncertainty. But fear not, he has traveled your path for you already, He knows where you need to go. You might not always right on the right path, he’ll make sure you get where you need to. And even when you’re sure he has left you, and you absolutely most be completely alone, he’s still there. Just look for him, call to him, he will help you when he knows you need it. 

Although my fear still remained, somehow I knew, like it was obvious. That it was going to be ok. 

“Come,” they said. “You still have a few more steps in this leg of your Journey, we will come with you to the end there.” As I neared the end things got louder and louder with distraction, voices and visions telling what to do, where to go, how to do it. “No that way is to dark, you’ll never make it over there,” I heard a voice scream in my ear. 

Then as I stood on the edge, my last moments of familiar life behind me pushing me forward, this dark void called future in front of me, and the voices still all around me screaming to turn back.

As I stood there, feeling more alone then ever, one single tear of fear rolled down my face, but before I could feel it leave my cheek I felt someone grab my hand, and I heard a whisper, it was a beautiful sound, like sun setting, or a calming breeze. I felt the whisper rap around my whole body as if it were holding me, it said, “don’t be afraid, I’m with you, I always have been, and I wont leave you. I love you.”

And just as soon as I heard it he was gone. I looked to see him, but he was no where to be found, and yet I knew he was there. I knew then who I could know it was going to be ok, even though from where I was standing it didn’t look like it, with him standing with me, it was.  

…you’re just alone.

    Why is it that as such social beings we want to be so individualistic? We want to block people out, we want to keep people out of our own personal “me” box. We function on such an individualistic way. We have to bribe people to travel together with things like carpool lanes, or cheap public transportation, and yet we still have freeways jam-packed with cars filled with 4 empty seats going the same way at the same time. We have made a science out of personalizing things, personal meals at restaurants, personal computers, personal music players (music was meant to be heard, meant to be shared, and yet we want to keep it to ourselves. Although I should be the first to be punished for this I’ll admit) Personal bathrooms (his and her sinks). And I could go on. 

 

    Now I wont even start to discuss how selfish this seems when you look at it from a communal perspective. See we see this and justify it as “well everyone has a different opinion” or “everyone likes different things” so we see it as being convenient, or necessary to meet everyones needs. But lets say we even put all the material things aside, the personalization of our society goes much deeper than that. We are very good at being sure that our “personal life” remains nothing but that, personal. We’re obsessed with our personal space both physically and mentally. 

 

    Of course its far easier to keep the bad things in, to not tell people about the things that really go on in our head. Its far more comfortable to not share our true self with others, our fears, our ambitions, our worries and joys. Its just so much easier to stay on the surface, to talk about what you think people will want to hear.

 

Why? Well we could be here for years talking about all the reasons why people don’t share themselves with people, why people sit in a room with someone who they call their friend and don’t tell them about what is making them cry at night. Or why we’re so afraid to get close to people, or to open to people. Something that has bothered me for a long time is why we walk by people that we know we know and yet we wont acknowledge them, we’ll look at our phone, or we’ll look at the ground, but we wont say hi or even smile to them. So we set all these personal boundaries, we’re afraid to open up, and yet we exploit ever moment we can of the personal life of the “celebrity.” There are even people whose job it is to hunt these people down and document their personal lives. Yet if someone were to pry to much into our life we would be offended or upset.

  

    Why? Why if we are supposed to be such social beings with such an ability to love and a longing to be loved do we do these things? 

 

    Well I’m not even going to pretend like I know the answer to that question. Sure I could sit here and list out a bunch of reasons I’ve done those things. But thats not the point, the point is we’re doing it, everyone is. We’re constantly developing more and more ways to put more distance between us and other people. We continue to push the social norm towards personal space, emotional boundaries, “don’t ask don’t tell,” “its non of my business” and individualization, when we should be pulling inward towards community. 

 

    Its no wonder we have such a high rate of depression, no wonder so many people say they’re lonely even amongst a huge group of people. This really shouldn’t be,  we weren’t made to walk through life like this. An individual can really only be recognized as an individuals in a community, you’re not different if you’re alone, you’re just alone.

days to remember

I was thinking tonight, about my past, and I was remembering specific days in amongst different periods of time, and I was was thinking how it’s funny that I have very vivid memories about some events, and yet the events of later in that day or the next week are long forgotten. 

I find it interesting that there is such a contrast between what we remember vividly to the detail, and what couldn’t remember if our life depended on it. Most I think would say that it has to do with the intensity of the emotion involved in particular events, Or perhaps deeper significance of one even as opposed to an other. However, I wonder what makes one emotional moment more memorable than another, what makes you remember one like it was yesterday and another not. I know I don’t remember ever single “emotional” moment that I have ever had. And I know that there are moments of life that I remember from ears ago, that were in no way highly emotional. 

So what is? What makes a day, event or moment one that you will remember forever? 

I wonder about that as I go throughout my weeks, I wonder what will I remember 5 years from now? I think “will this day be a day I remember forever?” Its very hard to tell, especially since sometimes I can’t remember the events of life from week to week. 

So maybe we can’t know, maybe there isn’t anything that can help us remember everything or even one specific thing more than another. Or at least I haven’t figured it out yet, it really doesn’t make any sense to me yet. 

Do I?

    So I sit here at my desk at 1:30 in the morning, and I wonder where I’ll be this time next year, and I can say honestly I can have no assurance in any of plans or even ideas of plans that I might have for myself. Now don’t get me wrong I have had uncertainties in my life before, but I think I can say that this has to be the least I have ever known about my future in a year. I mean sure, we’re never sure what will happen tomorrow, but usually you at least have the buffer of “well if nothing crazy happens I’ll probably be here doing this” and I don’t have that, not at all really.

       What does one do in such a moment? the temptation to give into fear and anxiety is very strong. However, I seem to have met a strange peace here in this lonely hour, a peace that doesn’t mask the fear, or hide the anxiety, but its almost as if it is questioning their validity. “Need you be afraid?” it asks me. My answer would most certainly be “Yes” but as my tongue stumbles around in my mouth, such an answer is no where to be found, as if my mind has betrayed the tongue. 

       Do I? Do we? Why are we so afraid of something we haven’t even seen yet? although I suppose you would say that is the uncertainty that makes use fearful of change or the future. Maybe that is true, maybe I should be afraid. All I know now is that I hope I find this sort of peace more often. 

Hello world!

I have finally re-immersed myself into the electronic journalling world as to allow the entire world wide web read my most inner-most thoughts, or at least those that I might allow to grace the space of this internet site.So, thus begins my blogging history, note this day in the history books.So I wont waste any more time, lets get to it.