So I sit here at my desk at 1:30 in the morning, and I wonder where I’ll be this time next year, and I can say honestly I can have no assurance in any of plans or even ideas of plans that I might have for myself. Now don’t get me wrong I have had uncertainties in my life before, but I think I can say that this has to be the least I have ever known about my future in a year. I mean sure, we’re never sure what will happen tomorrow, but usually you at least have the buffer of “well if nothing crazy happens I’ll probably be here doing this” and I don’t have that, not at all really.
What does one do in such a moment? the temptation to give into fear and anxiety is very strong. However, I seem to have met a strange peace here in this lonely hour, a peace that doesn’t mask the fear, or hide the anxiety, but its almost as if it is questioning their validity. “Need you be afraid?” it asks me. My answer would most certainly be “Yes” but as my tongue stumbles around in my mouth, such an answer is no where to be found, as if my mind has betrayed the tongue.
Do I? Do we? Why are we so afraid of something we haven’t even seen yet? although I suppose you would say that is the uncertainty that makes use fearful of change or the future. Maybe that is true, maybe I should be afraid. All I know now is that I hope I find this sort of peace more often.
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February 29, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Wes Ellis
I’m not exactly where you are but I relate. There are some possibilities for me but it’s still uncertain. But maybe this is reality. Maybe when we feel certain about our futures, that’s the illusion. We are never certain, we just mask our uncertainty with plans. Maybe it’s a blessing to be so uncertain that you can actually see the reality of it all. It’s the darkness of the future that frightens us but the darkness has not overcome the light.
Peace to you.
March 1, 2008 at 8:06 pm
coldfire
doing drugs often gives me the kind of peace you are talking about.